


you are my peach (you are my plum)

by vampdromeda



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: 5 + 1, Amanda is mentioned - Freeform, Canon-Typical Violence, Gunshot Wounds, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Injuries, My First Fanfic, so are the rowdies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23989540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampdromeda/pseuds/vampdromeda
Summary: “No clients today!” Dirk yelled. “None at all, and all I have to do is boring, boring paperwork, and Todd, the scoundrel, thinks iced tea isn’t heresy. And I’m quite sure ‘I’m not going to get caught up in your discussion about tea’ is code for ‘you’re right, Dirk, iced tea isn’t even really tea at all’.”“It’s still tea! You make it the same way! Hot or cold shouldn’t—it shouldn’t matter, Dirk! It’s tea.” Todd was yelling now, quite worked up (although he didn’t care about tea; he didn’t even drink it).“Ai noroc că ești chipeș!” Dirk stopped spinning as he exclaimed this. “It isn’t tea and I am, frankly, appalled that you would defend such a fiendish drink. You’re demoted to assistant again,” he pouted, arms crossed.(Or: five times Todd doesn't know Dirk is saying some gay shit in Romanian, plus one time he finds out.)
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 12
Kudos: 151





	you are my peach (you are my plum)

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. this is my first fic ever! i spend an entire day and a half writing this so i really hope y'all enjoy!  
> 2\. i know dirk probably doesn't speak romanian anymore i just thought this would be a cute idea  
> 3\. this isn't beta read, so if you find some typos please let me know!

1

After Bergsberg, nothing got any better. Every few months, some crazy and supernatural life-threatening case would find its way to Dirk, like a piranha in the stream of creation, and along with him, Dirk would drag Todd and Farah.

And, sure, at least now they had the Agency, and at least now a fourth of the cases would end up being a missing cat the Universe threw at them to give them some _goddamned cash_ (advertising as ‘solving cases with arguable efficiency’ didn’t, for some reason, reel in many ordinary customers). Everyone had been under the impression the Universe would be at least a little easier on them this time around. Apparently not. Just this week, they had gotten two seemingly unconnected cases (another missing cat and a missing or possibly dead family of four) that had led to Dirk very nearly dying, and being left in the hospital with a gunshot wound.

Todd was absolutely going to lose his mind.

“Jesus Christ, next time don’t _run towards_ a deranged man with a fucking gun, Dirk,” Todd said, exasperated.

“Todd, you know I did it because the—”

“Universe told you to. Right. But, maybe the Universe could stop, y’know. Almost killing you.”

Dirk sighed. “That isn’t how it works,” he said. He’d gotten used to saying this to people, but it was still quite annoying when he had to. The truth was, he wasn’t sure how it _did_ work, but he was fairly certain he did know how it _didn’t_ work. He knew he couldn’t control it; he knew he couldn’t ignore it; he knew it didn’t particularly care if the people he cared about got hurt or died.

“Why, though? Can’t you ask the Universe to stop putting you in situations where you could almost die? A simple, y’know, ‘hey stop trying to kill me’.”

Dirk, laying in the hospital bed, looked fragile. Like he’d break if you touched him. But Todd knew this wasn’t true; Dirk was strong. He had been through _so_ _much_ and had still come out the other side an unarguably kind person. Dirk, Todd reminded himself, was stronger than him.

“I could, yes, but I don’t know how well that would work out. ‘Hello, Universe, old pal! I don’t really think I’d like to be put in life or death situations. Oh, now I’m being struck by lightning, that’s fun’.” He paused momentarily, pondering something. “Although, I suppose if I got struck by lightning I wouldn’t say that I’m getting struck. This is only a _hypothetical_ , Todd, need I remind you.”

Todd just rolled his eyes; he still didn’t know how to handle Rambling Dirk Mode. Which, to be fair, was also Default Dirk Mode. He talked more than enough for the both of them, so quite often Todd would let Dirk carry the conversation, which he never seemed to mind. He’d interject an insult in regular Todd fashion here or there, but stay otherwise quiet. Right now wasn’t one of those times. Dirk was getting closer to Anxious Rambling Dirk Mode.

“Hey, man. It’s cool. I don’t—I don’t think that would happen. Uh, besides. You did save that family! And the cat. And that duck, but I still don’t know where that fits in, though.”

Steering the conversation back towards the case seemed to be the right move, as Dirk brightened up instantly.

“Well, Todd, it’s really quite simple. You see—” Dirk lapsed into a complex explanation of the case and how the duck from the park across from the family’s house was _vital_ to solving the case and how saving it had saved the family. And the cat. Todd only half listened. He was content to just let Dirk’s voice wash over him and watch him speak animatedly. When he got excited, Dirk spoke at a million miles a minute as he waved his hands around. Todd was ridiculously endeared by it.

“That leads us to now. You in my hospital room, and Farah out getting us lunch,” he concluded succinctly. Then, after a second, looking a little bit affronted, his voice getting just a touch higher, he said, “You weren’t even _listening_ to me, were you? And after all that work I put in to explain everything. I’m offended, _îngeraș_ , I really am.”

Todd, having being caught, had the decency to look apologetic. For a moment, at least. “Wait, what? I didn’t know you still spoke Romanian. What—what, uh, does...y’know, the thing you said mean?”

Todd had a feeling it was an insult of some kind, but he was still curious.

Dirk’s face went a lovely shade of pink. He looked away from Todd, moving his eyes from the floor to the bed to the ceiling. “Well—um. Nothing, really. Just. Well, you know! A word. Words are funny like that. Having meanings and all. _Quite_ odd. Because, well, words could just not have meanings, yet they _do_. Why’s that? Who’s to say! I mean. Well. There are people who _think_ they know. But _I_ don’t listen to a word of it. What do _they_ know? Why should we trust _them_?”

Dirk ended his rant by taking a big gulp of air and returning his gaze to Todd’s face.

Todd simply blinked. That was weird. Weirder than usual, which was saying _quite_ _a lot_ when it came to _Dirk_ _Gently_.

And then the door opened, reveling Farah holding two takeout bags, and the conversation was dropped.

2

Farah sometimes thought Dirk and Todd just enjoyed arguing. They would do it over nothing, and abruptly end said useless bickering, as if it had never happened.

Right now was one of the times that they collectively decided arguing would be fun.

“ _Tea_ is meant to be _hot_. Iced tea is an affront to nature and to say otherwise would be a lie and borderline _heretical_!” Dirk yelled from his desk, where he was spinning in his chair clockwise.

“It’s _still_ tea! I don’t see what’s wrong with it! It’s the _same thing_ just with ice!” Todd countered, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Farah, you agree with me. It’s the same thing, right?”

Farah rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to get caught up in your discussion about tea. Get back to work, it’s the _middle of a workday_ and a client could come in at any moment,” she chastised. These two were going to drive her insane one day.

That day might be today.

“No clients today!” Dirk yelled. “None _at all_ , and all I have to do is boring, _boring_ paperwork, and Todd, the _scoundrel_ , thinks iced tea isn’t heresy. And I’m _quite_ sure ‘I’m not going to get caught up in your discussion about tea’ is code for ‘you’re right, Dirk, iced tea isn’t even really tea at all’.”

Farah pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Deciding it was pointless to try to end this and get Dirk to return to work (Dirk was _very_ opinionated when it came to tea, and he _did_ happen to know if clients were coming or not, so it was a lost cause), she turned back to her own paperwork.

“It’s _still_ tea! You make it _the same way_! Hot or cold shouldn’t—it shouldn’t matter, Dirk! It’s _tea_.” Todd was yelling now, quite worked up (although he didn’t _care_ about tea; he didn’t even _drink_ it).

“ _Ai noroc că ești chipeș_!” Dirk stopped spinning as he exclaimed this. “It isn’t tea and I am, frankly, appalled that you would defend such a fiendish drink. You’re demoted to assistant again,” he pouted, arms crossed.

Farah, who had never heard Dirk speak his native tongue (she also had never heard _anyone_ speak Romanian) was taken a bit aback for a moment. She laughed, however, as Dirk ‘demoted’ Todd once again; this was becoming a weekly thing.

“Demoted? I—Dirk, c’mon, you can’t just keep _saying_ that.” Todd rolled his eyes, however, used to Dirk ‘demoting’ him, and no longer particularly offended by it.

Dirk insulting him in Romanian, though? _That_ was new.

Argument now dropped (Farah sighed in relief), Todd hesitated before asking “So, uh. What you said. How bad of an insult was it?” purely out of curiosity (and also, just _maybe_ , because he’d like to hear Dirk say something in his native language again. Even if it was an insult. Directed at him.)

“Oh. Well. You know. Normal insult. Called you a...a fool! Yes. That. You aren’t, though. You know. A fool. Just arguing, and all of that.” Dirk’s hue became decidedly more red than normal.

Farah smiled to herself. Todd was too oblivious to see it, but she had realized early on that Dirk’s feelings for Todd were definitely non-platonic, and she was sure Todd reciprocated. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Whatever Dirk said, it wasn’t an insult.

If she were a betting woman, she would put money on it and come out the other side rich.

3

“So,” Farah prompted. “Todd.”

“Todd. Yes. My friend Todd.” Dirk said, either feigning ignorance or proving that he was the most oblivious man alive. “What about him?”

“ _Dirk_ ,” she said with a raise of her eyebrow, “seriously? I know Todd is an oblivious idiot but _I_ am quite observant.”

“Okay, _fine_ , you caught me! I’m gay and Todd is, if you have not noticed, a very handsome man and I might be _a little bit_ in love with him. A very _small_ bit. Incredibly tiny. It isn’t _my_ fault and, _and_ , frankly I’m _incredibly_ offended that you, my _friend_ , would even _dare_ to bring it up!” he shot a scalding look Farah’s way, holding his mug of tea close to his chest protectively.

“Whoa, hey, I just thought you’d like to talk about it to someone.” She held her hands up in mock surrender.

Dirk looked around him, as if checking if Todd was around a corner, listening in, before letting out a dramatic sigh. He threw a hand over his forehead and fell back on the couch, as if he were a character from an Oscar Wilde novel. He yelled, “ _God_ , Farah! I am _absolutely, thoroughly, completely_ fucked! He’s going to be the death of me! Stupid Dirk, always falling in love with your friends and ruining everything!”

Farah, not unaccustomed to Dirk’s dramatics, was unfazed. “Dirk, come on. Get up. You didn’t _ruin_ anything,” she said earnestly, knowing that his last sentence definitely carried quite a bit of truth. Dirk sat up, grateful for Farah.

“Thank you. This—you talking with me about this with me means a lot. I just want you to know that.”

Before she could respond, however, Todd entered his apartment, carrying a few bags of groceries with him.

“Talking about what?” he asked casually, not expecting to actually be told. If it was private, he could respect that.

“Nothing! Just, you know. A, uh, a case! Old one. We’ve had so _many_ cases, haven’t we? So many, right Farah?”

Farah blinked. “Uh, right. Yeah. A lot of cases. Anyway, Todd, how was Amanda and the Rowdy 3?” She moved to help Todd with the groceries as she said it.

“Vogel threw Amanda’s coffee pot through a window,” Todd said. “So, y’know, normal, I guess.” He shrugged. Things with Amanda were getting better, and he would see her at least once a month nowadays. She stayed on the road with the Rowdies and the Beast, but she would return occasionally to “handle some business.” (Amanda would never admit she missed Dirk and Farah and, most horridly, _Todd_.)

“The rowdies are _quite_ terrifying, I truly am unsure how you can be around them,” Dirk said, only half jokingly. He was still a _little_ scared of them, but that was only because they were energy vampires who fed off of him and who also happened to _quite enjoy_ breaking things. Todd rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well. At least I saw Amanda. She’s happier these days, y’know? I—I’m proud of her.”

Dirk’s gaze softened at that. “It’s good you guys are getting along, honestly, _dragul meu_ , it’s a bit tiring seeing you _argue_ all the time.”

Todd and Farah shared a look that _Todd_ thought meant ‘he’s an asshole.’ _Farah_ , however, thought it meant ‘God, he’s awful at this.’

4

Somewhere along the way, Todd and Dirk had began to sleep in the same bed. It was _not_ , Todd reminded himself (quite sadly), because they were dating. They weren’t.

Dirk had frequent nightmares, and Todd would calm him down after, reminding him that “ _They aren’t here, you’re safe, they can’t get you,_ ” while rocking Dirk in his arms. Those nights were, luckily, becoming sparse; the more time passed, the less nightmares Dirk would have.

Todd was grateful for that. He couldn’t stand to see Dirk crying, yelling “ _I don’t want to do it, I can’t_ , _please don’t hurt me._ ” He would cut off a limb if he could undo what Black Wing did to him.

Tonight, Dirk did not yell in his sleep. He looked peaceful, content. Todd scolded himself for looking at Dirk as he slept; that was _creepy_.

He turned away and tried to fall into blissful sleep himself.

And then Dirk spoke.

“ _Ești jumătatea mea._..Todd...” he murmured.

Todd was very awake now. It wasn’t abnormal for Dirk to talk in his sleep (he often dreamed of going to space) but it _was_ abnormal for him to say _Todd’s_ name in his sleep. It really did not help that whatever he said about Todd was in a foreign language, so Todd had _absolutely_ no idea what was even said.

This was probably going to drive him crazy for the rest of his goddamned life.

5

Dirk slipping a bit of Romanian in had become a _thing_.

Dirk would never admit it, but he liked being able to say things without the normal repercussions.

Todd would never admit it, but he really liked it when Dirk did that. It was becoming quite a problem.

Which is why, when a Romanian couple came into the Agency asking them to find out who had killed their daughter (when Todd asked why they didn’t go to the police, the mother had said, “Police do nothing. They say, ‘we can’t help.’ We come to you hoping you better than lazy policeman.”), Todd knew he was royally fucked.

The couple spoke very little English. Which meant that Dirk would have to speak in Romanian to them. Which was very bad for his growing... _liking_...of the detective (God, he was _pining_ , wasn’t he?).

After about twenty minutes of Dirk asking them questions (and translating both the questions and answers into English, upon Farah’s request), Todd got up and left. He just couldn’t take it. If he heard Dirk speak one more word in his native language he might do something stupid. Like kiss the fucker.

Todd just thought he sounded unfairly _hot_ when he spoke Romanian. Not that Todd didn’t love it when Dirk spoke English (guys with accents are hot, this is _common knowledge_ ) but he just sounded so lovely, with the rolling rs and Jesus, it wasn’t fair.

“Todd,” Dirk called, sounding unfazed by Todd’s sudden disruption, “you’re really missing out on some _very vital_ information.”

Todd sighed, resigned, and returned. “Sorry,” he said, sheepishly. This was going to be a very long case.

– – –

As it turned out, the girl was not dead. She was very much alive, and she also had a cloning machine.

Oh, and she was incredibly _evil_.

“I’ve had _quite_ enough of the clones, might I say, so I really, _really_ hope you’re not another. If you are, it would help me if you would just go find original Ioana and bring her here. _Pretty please,_ ” Dirk said, all in one breath, with the look of a man who had been put through hell.

Ioana the Original or Maybe Clone, Who Is To Say? smiled, sickly sweet, before pulling out a gun. “You think you’ve won, don’t you! You got the clones, you found the machine, and now all that’s left is me! I’ve got news for you. I’m not someone you want to _fuck_ with!”

She pulled the trigger, and Todd was down.

His t-shirt soaked up the blood as it poured out of him, turning a sickening red color. This was not the first time Todd had been shot, but _damn_ if it didn’t hurt.

“Oh, stupid Dirk, always following the Universe and getting people shot!” Dirk said, crouching down to tend to Todd, making sure he stopped the bleeding.

“Let me go and I won’t kill you all!” Ioana boomed, her voice becoming frantic. She, seemingly, had never actually shot anyone before now (if you didn’t count the clones as her).

Farah, quickly drawing her own gun, studied the young woman. “We aren’t enemies, Ioana,” she said softly. “Let’s just think this through.”

“Shut up!” she yelled. “I don’t fucking care!”

“Your parents miss you, did you know that? They think you’re dead. Because of that clone that you attacked.”

Ioana, conflicted, dropped her gun slightly. “They—they do? They miss me? I—”

Farah struck quickly at Ioana’s sign of weakness, knocking the gun from the woman’s hands. It was only then as she was being restrained that she realized what she had done. She had instructed her clones to go after people who had wronged her, she had _shot_ a man.

“Oh _God_ , what have I done?” she yelled, in hysterics.

At least she wasn’t actually evil. Remorse was a new one!

“Can you—are you okay?” Dirk asked. “Are you going to—do you think this will cause an attack?”

Todd shook his head. “No I—shit, ow, _fuck_ —I don’t think so.”

Dirk sighed in relief and moved Todd’s hair out of his face. “Good. That’s—that’s good, Todd. Can you, uh, stand? We have to get you to the hospital, _iubirică_.” He spoke softly, one hand on putting pressure on Todd’s wound, and the other softly cupping his face.

Ioana was still crying, holding onto Farah and yelling “I’m sorry! What have I done?” when Todd finally managed to stand.

This, oddly enough, was one of the happier endings to a case. The perpetrator ended up being a woman who, instead of being evil, had just gone a tiny bit mad with power, and no one was dead! Well. There were those three people that the clone Ioanas had killed, but still.

As they all piled up in Farah’s car, Dirk couldn’t help but feel satisfied.

+1

They had come up with a cover story for Ioana, much to Farah’s dismay (“She still _killed_ people.”). Her parents were so grateful that even Todd felt a little bad about lying to them, even if it made them happier.

“Hey—uh, Todd, was it? I just—I wanted to say I’m sorry. For shooting you.”

Todd was taken aback. “Oh. Um. Well, thanks, I guess?” He wasn’t sure how to respond. No one had ever _apologized_ for shooting him.

Ioana let out a halfhearted laugh. “Yeah, you’re lucky your boyfriend was there to help. When I shot you.”

Todd’s face went very red. “Boyfriend? I don’t have—do you mean Dirk? I’m not—we aren’t—I don’t know what made you think that we’re together, but we aren’t,” Todd managed to get out.

“He—You aren’t? He called you _iubirică_ , though. That means love.”

And suddenly it made sense. Todd had been so caught up in his own pining and, if he was honest, self-hate, that he didn’t even consider that Dirk reciprocated. He felt kind of dumb, and also kind of ( _very_ ) elated.

“I—uh, I’m sorry I have to go. I’ll—well, I probably won’t be seeing you. But. Y’know,” he said, before leaving to find Dirk.

– – –

When Todd did find Dirk, he still hadn’t worked out what he was going to say to him.

“Oh, hi, Todd! You know, I was just reading about a break in on third street and I am quite certain it’s a part of th—”

Todd cut him off by kissing him. It wasn’t a great kiss. Their teeth clashed and their noses bumped and Dirk’s eyes were open for some of it, but Todd felt complete.

When it was over, Dirk was completely red, rather out of breath, and seemingly lost for words (being the reason _Dirk freakin’ Gently_ was lost for words felt absolutely _amazing_ ).

“Can I—uh, can I kiss you again?” Todd asked, suddenly feeling shy.

“ _Please_ ,” Dirk responded. And so Todd did.

**Author's Note:**

> translations:  
> 1\. îngeraș - angel  
> 2\. ai noroc că ești chipeș - you're lucky you're handsome  
> 3\. dragul meu - my darling  
> 4\. ești jumătatea mea - you're my other half/you complete me  
> 5\. iubirică - love


End file.
